Lovers' Spat
by Anria
Summary: On a "mission gone wrong", Schuldig and Yohji wake up alone together in a boat in the middle of the ocean. Counter fic for Space Kitty.


Here's the counter fic for Space Kitty, for being visitor #5000 to The Temple of Lunacy! 

**Warnings**: lemon/lime, language  
**Pairings**: Yohji/Schuldig, mention of Crawford/Schuldig and Yohji/Aya  
**Note**: my friend Minerva Solo pointed out to be that I'd been accidentally using the American version of the word "arse" previously in fics, which is "ass". Since in everything else I use English English (because after all, we invented the language), any time I'd been referring to someone's backside before I'd really been calling them a donkey. So I'm correcting myself from now on. ^_^

**Lovers' Spat**  
by Anria

Yohji wondered how the hell he kept ending up in these situations.   
  
They'd been on a mission. Okay, fairly normal. They'd had a run-in with Schwarz. Again, fairly normal, even if it was general Weiss policy to avoid the arrogant psychotic bastards if at all possible. (With Aya running screaming into battle at even the thought of Takatori being in the same building, though, it wasn't often the case.) In this particular battle, Yohji had ended up fighting the annoying telepath with godawful fashion sense, but that wasn't really strange either. Even if he'd _really_ prefer not to.   
  
It was after that that things started to get weird.   
  
For one thing, he'd been able to outrun the bastard for a while. They'd been charging along the docks, and - okay, Yohji's increased speed in comparison to Schuldig might have had something to do with him tossing crates in the other man's way at every opportunity, but we're ignoring that - and anyway, Yohji had been going faster than the other man. Which, considering that when he felt like it the man was just a red-tinged blur on the back of his eyes, was a little odd.   
  
But eventually Schuldig had caught up, and decided he was fed up with running and was going to knock him over in a flying tackle. Unluckily for both of them, however, Yohji had been standing right on the very edge of the docks at that moment, and the momentum sent them both flying over the edge to land head-first on a rather solid boat. It had knocked both of them out, apparently for several hours at least.   
  
It was here that things took a turn from weird to really, badly shitty. Because apparently the boat hadn't been moored that securely, and the tide had carried them out to sea. So Yohji was currently floating god-knows-how-far from land, with only a psychotic know-it-all redhead for company.   
  
If that psychotic know-it-all redhead had happened to be Aya, at least Yohji could entertain himself with his continued campaign to find out if his pubes matched his hair, but there was no way in hell he was touching Schuldig. Not without gloves, a full body suit, and a sharp weapon in his hands.   
  
"I resent that, you know."   
  
Yohji slumped further down the side of the boat and glared at his shoes. His current predicament was definitely _not_ helped by Schuldig's tendency to comment on every little thing that ran through his head.   
  
"Well, excuse you for thinking. It's not like there's anyone more interesting around to listen to, otherwise I wouldn't be bothering with you."   
  
Yohji gritted his teeth and imagined, in great graphic detail, what Schuldig would look like with his entrails smeared all over the floor. And his tongue ripped out. Oh yes, what he wouldn't give to rip Schuldig's tongue out of his mouth right now, so that even if he had to suffer all alone in a boat with the bastard he wouldn't have to listen to him talk.   
  
_Think again, blondie._   
  
Scratch that, why didn't he just throttle the bastard with his bare hands?   
  
"Not a good idea, Kudou, I'd know you were coming and I'm faster than you are," Schuldig smirked at him.   
  
"Why don't you do something constructive with that annoying little talent of yours are ask your teammates to pick you up? At least then I'd be dead and wouldn't have to listen to you," Yohji snarled at him.   
  
Schuldig's smirk vanished. "I've been trying, but they're not listening," he hissed. "Crawford's pissy because he told me not to follow you and I did anyway. Bastard says he saw this coming and got a gash on his hand because of me." The redhead rolled his eyes melodramatically. "_Heaven_ forbid the great Brad Crawford should get so much as a _scratch_ on his too-perfect arse!"   
  
Yohji stared at him bemusedly, wondering if Schuldig was this irritating to everyone. If he was, it was no wonder the leader of Schwarz had jumped at a chance to be rid of him for a few hours.   
  
"Oh, shut up," Schuldig muttered.   
  
The blond man blinked. "You're . . . you're _hurt_ by it," he said incredulously. "You're really fucking _hurt_ that he hasn't come to drag your arse back by the hair to wherever the fuck you live."   
  
"Go jump off a bridge," Schuldig snapped at him. "You think I want to be here any more than you?"   
  
"I'll happily jump off a bridge, if you can find one for me," Yohji said, blithely ignoring the last bit. He had evidence that Schuldig was actually human after all, which made it a little more difficult to fear him - which in turn made Yohji more bold.   
  
Schuldig was giving him nasty looks. "You know, I could just shoot your brains out and save myself a headache."   
  
"Why don't you, then?" Yohji asked curiously. To be honest, the thought had occurred to him - but he'd been very carefully not thinking about it in the hopes that if he didn't bring it up, the German wouldn't realise that possibility.   
  
Schuldig laughed at him. "Why in hell wouldn't it occur to me, Kudou? I'm _far_ more intelligent than you are, you know, and I've been killing people for longer than you. My first instinct was to shoot you in the end when I woke up with you sprawled on top of me in this godforsaken boat. Or in the balls."   
  
Yohji winced and crossed his legs. "Why didn't you then?"   
  
Schuldig smiled sweetly at him. "You'll never know, will you."   
  
"There's got to be a reason."   
  
"How do you know? I'm the unpredictable bastard. I could just have decided to let you live out of a sudden burst of masochism." Schuldig wasn't smiling now, more frowning at the bottom of the boat with his gun dangling idly between his hands. Yohji got the feeling that talking to him right now would not be a very wise thing to do, so he wisely decided not to.   
  
They drifted in silence for a while, and Yohji began to develop a craving for a cigarette. Unfortunately, thanks to Aya show an alarming tendency towards histrionics, he was no longer allowed to carry cigarettes to a mission in case - God forbid - he got the smell of smoke in Aya's car. Aya could be _such_ a prissy little frigid bitch when he set his mind to it.   
  
"Grab him from behind and fuck him over the counter in that stupid little shop of yours," Schuldig said suddenly. "If nothing else you'll get your rocks off."   
  
"And afterwards my boys'd come permanently off the moment Aya got near his katana," Yohji replied.   
  
Schuldig grinned suddenly. "Want me to convince him not to? I've always wanted an excuse to mess with Fujimiya's head."   
  
For a damning moment Yohji found himself actually considering it, then he jerked himself back to reality. "No!"   
  
The other man shrugged, leaning his head back against the railing on the edge of the boat. It exposed his long neck in a way that was strangely vulnerable - and strangely titillating. "Never let it be said I didn't ask. One of these days, though, you're gonna snap and finally pound his tight little arse into submission, and _then_ you'll be sorry you didn't take me up on that offer."   
  
Yohji's libido decided to make itself known just then, as a quiet thought ran through his mind. _I know another redhead I'd like to pound into submission. . . ._   
  
Schuldig's head snapped up, his smirk taking a slightly incredulous edge. Then he shrugged and grinned. "Got a thing for redheads, Kudou?"   
  
_Got a think for anybody with a nice a-_ Yohji quickly smothered that thought and yelled at his libido to go fuck itself.   
  
"Aw, that's no fun," Schuldig pouted. Then his face returned to normal, and he said as though discussing the weather, "I'm bored. Wanna fuck?"   
  
Yohji decided he couldn't have heard him right, and no, he wasn't listening to his libido either. He stared straight at the floor between his feet and refused to even glance in Schuldig's direction, despite what sounded suspiciously like the man crawling towards him.   
  
"Ku~dou," Schuldig sing-songed in his ear. He licked the curve of Yohji's ear lightly, then blew in it and whispered, "Do you want to fuck me? Do you want to pound my arse until I can't walk straight? Do you want me to suck you off? Do you want to suck _me_ off?"   
  
Yohji was pretending that dirty talk didn't turn him on.   
  
"Come on, Yohji, what's it gonna hurt? We're in the middle of nowhere, Schwarz is ignoring me and Weiss can't track you. Your communicator's broken. You can fuck me right here and now, a chance which might never come along again, or you can act like a coward and pretend you don't know what you want. I'm bored as hell and while your conversation's not exactly stimulating you're not all that bad to look at." Schuldig kissed his skin lightly, just below his ear, then licked it.   
  
_Think ice cubes. Aya in a bad mood. Manx's footwear. Omi in a bikini. Just don't think about-_   
  
"Fuck me," Schuldig whispered in his ear, barely more than a breath.   
  
_Dammit._   
  
Yohji turned and grabbed Schuldig's head through his hair, yanking him forwards so he could kiss him fiercely. He could feel Schuldig laugh in his mind and ignored it, yanking on the buttons of that godawful green coat so he could get at the other man's skin. Schuldig was having much more luck than he was, having undone his trousers and pulled his cock out, stroking it firmly. Yohji groaned and bit the other man's neck, abandoning the coat in favour of pulling the redhead's trousers down to his ankles.   
  
Schuldig suddenly let go of his cock and shoved him backwards onto the floor of the boat, holding him down with one hand as he rapidly stripped off his shoes, underwear and trousers. Then, without even bothering to get rid of any more of their clothes, he straddled Yohji and slowly sank down onto him.   
  
Yohji's head hit the planks with a thud as his hips snapped upward, thrusting into the other man. Schuldig gasped and bit his lip, before gritting out, "You'll capsize the boat. Let me do the work."   
  
What was left of Yohji's brain saw the logic in this and he nodded weakly, clutching Schuldig's hips in his hands. The redhead's shirt tails fell loosely over his wrists and parted in the centre around the man's erect cock, jutting proudly out from - yes, those definitely were red curls.   
  
"Surprised?" Schuldig gasped out, rising and falling rhythmically as he impaled himself over and over on Yohji's erection.   
  
Yohji sat up and Schuldig cried out as the change in angle hit his prostate. Biting and suckling on the other man's neck he curled his fingers into Schuldig's hair, groaning as the man continued to ride him. His mouth otherwise occupied, he carefully framed the thought in his mind and held it there for inspection. _Your hair colour doesn't exactly look natural._   
  
"Only to a Jap," Schuldig said, and grabbed a fistful of Yohji's hair so he could yank his mouth up to where he could kiss him. "Like you're one to complain," he murmured, then moaned loudly and threw his head back as Yohji began pumping his cock. The movement of their bodies together was causing the boat to rock and bob up and down in the water rather violently, but neither of them gave a shit.   
  
Schuldig bit his lip when he came, hips slamming down on Yohji's cock one last time as his come spurted out over Yohji's hand. Yohji was quick to follow, thrusting jerkily into the other man a couple of times before emptying himself inside him.   
  
They leaned against each other for a moment, Yohji's softening cock still inside Schuldig's body and the other man's bare legs straddling him. The redhead pressed his face into Yohji's neck, the latter's arms wrapped around his body.   
  
After a moment, Schuldig spoke. It was muffled by Yohji's neck, but he still heard the words perfectly clearly.   
  
"Suck on that, _Brad_."   
  
"What the fuck-" he jerked back to see Schuldig grinning like the cat that got the canary before the other man gave him a sloppy kiss and climbed off him. Utterly confused, Yohji stayed where he was as he watched the other man dress, then blushed as he realised his dick was hanging out of his trousers for all the world to see.   
  
Looking down at himself, he froze. "Schuldig," he said. "You're bleeding."   
  
"No I'm not." The other man didn't even given stop to think about it, still grinning like the Cheshire cat and sounding disgustingly pleased with himself.   
  
"Then what the hell do you call this?" Yohji pointed at his cock, which had a few streaks of some red stuff that was quite definitely _not_ tomato sauce on it.   
  
Schuldig glanced at him, then grinned and leaned over, licking the blood off Yohji's dick with liberally-applied swipes of his tongue. Yohji fell back against the boards of the boat with a groan. Then, just as Yohji's little friend was stirring back to life, Schuldig stopped licking him and sat down to finish putting his shoes on.   
  
Yohji stared at him incredulously. "Cock tease," he accused.   
  
Schuldig gave him that too-happy-too-smug grin again. "No I'm not," he said. "I just delivered, didn't I?"   
  
"Well, yes but that's not what-" Yohji gave up and let his head hit the planks with a thud. "I give up. What was all that about?"   
  
Schuldig finished putting on his shoes and stood up, making the boat rock disturbingly. "Brad has a jealous streak," he said gleefully. "Bastard was going to leave me here all night until I told him what I was going to do, and he knows I don't lie about things like that. He couldn't get here in time to stop me, but he damn well tried. And I wanted a good, hard fuck anyway." Schuldig waved to something Yohji couldn't see.   
  
_Great,_ Yohji thought morosely. _I am a dead man. How the fuck did I end up in the middle of a lovers' spat between _Schuldig_ and _Crawford_ of all people?_   
  
"Because you can't keep your dick zippered, that's why," Schuldig answered for him. "If it's any consolation, he won't kill you - he's too pissed off with me."   
  
Yohji sighed and sat up, tucking himself into his trousers and doing up the zipper carefully. "And what makes you so happy about that? Doesn't that mean he's more likely to kill you?"   
  
"Nope, it just means he's gonna fuck me through 'til dawn," Schuldig said absently, peering at the speedboat Yohji could see approaching. "That's half the reason I let myself bleed on you - if he sees that he might be a bit nicer and let me walk tomorrow. Otherwise I haven't got a chance in hell."   
  
He turned to Yohji and grinned down at him. "You've done me a favour, so I'll do you one - your team's on the way, and if you do some fast talking with Aya on the morning after you'll live. He wants you to fuck him anyway, he's just too repressed to admit it."   
  
The speedboat pulled up along side them, a little too close for Yohji's liking as the waves splashed over the sides of the small craft and came close to capsizing it. "Ah, there's my lift," Schuldig said, vastly pleased with himself. He leaned over and gave Yohji a long, drawn-out kiss for Crawford's benefit - said man standing over the wheel of the speedboat and scowling blackly at the both of them. "See you later, darlin'," Schuldig drawled before jumping lightly onto the surface of the speedboat. Crawford gave Yohji another murderous look before yanking hard on the wheel and speeding off into the night.   
  
_This_ time the waves _did_ capsize the boat.   
  
Sputtering, Yohji surfaced and swam over to the side of the upturned craft, managing to turn it the right way up. He clambered in and flopped over, staring at the night sky dazedly. It might have been his imagination, but the stars seemed to be mockingly unconcerned with what had just happened to him.   
  
It wasn't long before he heard the humming that signalled another speedboat had arrived, and tiredly sat up. He was almost touched to see that all of them had clambered into the speedboat to go find him, even Aya.   
  
"Yohji, what happened to you?" Omi exclaimed, leaning over the side to offer his hand so Yohji could climb on board. He wasn't quite as agile as Schuldig. "How did you get all the way out here? And why are you wet if you're in a boat?"   
  
Yohji sighed, accepting Omi's help and sitting down heavily in the speedboat. "Long, long story," he said.

**[Owari]**

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